It is been almost 10 months since I have last posted. I had to take a break because my blogging on what had happened to me was starting to drown me.
Sometimes it is just too hard for me to visit these dark spaces. It just dredges up too much sludge from those dark crevices where my emotions reside. I had to contain them before they consumed me. I felt it was time for me to ponder more on my uncertain present and future than it was to consume myself about the past.
I did not even re read my posts or read any of the blogs that I had followed. I just deleted the notifications from my email as I got them. It all became too overwhelming. I just stopped everything.
I do not know if I am still ready to come back but I am somehow compelled to return. I cannot tell you how many times I have started this post and I end up having to stop and walk away, it is usually combined with a blindingly severe headache. It is almost like some unconscious resistance that I feel I need to overcome.
During my absence I had to take my son to the emergency to have a MRSA abscess wound lanced. Because he is now an adult (19 years old), I could not just take him. I had to beg, plead, etc., for him to understand that he needed this to be done. There was no other way for this abscess to go away which was getting noticeably worse as everyday passed. Finally my relentless pleading, chiding, etc. sunk in and he relinquished to seek medical attention. We went to the ER.
I do not know how many of you have ever witnessed a lancing, but it is pretty gruesome. For those curious, I am sure you could Google the procedure. It is not pretty. Even with a morphine drip and plenty of local anesthetic, it is excruciatingly painful. I sat there and witnessed it as I saw the intense pain my son endured in his face. He even teared up from the pain and he is not one to cry over anything. After letting the anesthesia take effect, the doctor takes a large about 1 ½” Exacto knife like blade and pierces the wound and penetrates the ENTIRE blade in to the wound. And as if that not enough, then the doctor proceeds to move that penetrated blade around in circles deep within the wound. Eventually (it seems as though forever!) the doctor withdraws the blade and with it comes a purulent pus oozing out. After that, my son was bandaged up and the wound finally healed. Now there is only a darkened skin patch that remains as a reminder.
Not to diminish the intense pain my son had to endure, I see my need to blog again as a type of symbolic lancing. I feel that I too have to gouge my spiritual wound to release more of its purulent pus infecting my heart and psyche.
I hope a lot of you have not moved on. I miss all of you and all of your support.
I am just starting to write my next post to catch you up.