My Greatest Gift in 2014

I was going to write that not much progress has happened this year, but after reading my posts, I realize that although my life may still be considered on the bleak side now, it has improved.

In spite my many struggles, I still have made some progress. I need to acknowledge that.

I know I have one big hole to dig myself out of and no one around to help. I also have to try and carry my son out too. And that has been the most difficult part of my journey. He has been a tremendous weight on my heart and soul. I cannot be angry at him, because I know he is confused and angry. I am too.

Since day one, I have assured him that “things will get better”, and I really believed they would, in the beginning. But it has only gotten incrementally better. All of this can be overwhelming for me too. I keep trying to assure him, but as this fiasco drags on and on, he believes me less and less. I don’t blame him, but I keep forging ahead. I don’t have a choice or an alternate route to go.

As you probably have already figured, the divorce is still going on with no end in sight.

2014 started out well, but things just fell apart on the way. I thought that things were really going to turn around. My X (I am just going to start calling him my X for practical reasons, My Someday To Be X is too much to type even though that is who he is realistically) was finally paying the court ordered spousal support and I was getting more hours at the part-time job I got. Although it was not a lot of money, it felt like a windfall to me. I was finally able to afford high-speed internet and put a tank of gas in my car once a week.

Before that, I was writing on my computer at home and saving it on my flash drive and uploading everything at the library. I have lost count as to how many flash drives I left at the library. They all had personal info, divorce info, and even Social Security numbers. This is another issue that I will have to deal with somewhere in the future.  It is just not a priority now.  As far as the gas, I was almost always running on empty. I cannot tell you how wonderful it feels to be secure with more than a half a tank of gas to drive around in. I am still careful about where I drive, but I can get out a little more.

I brought a roommate in. She was someone I sort of knew around town. She was team mom for a football team that her son and my son played on in middle school. Through the years I would occasionally run into her around town and we would always say “let’s get coffee” but it never happened. I had run into her again in 2013 and told her about my divorce.

At the end of 2013, she called and said that she and her son had fallen on hard times and asked if she and her son could come and stay in my spare room. It was the holidays so how could I say no? I told her that when she got a job, she could start paying rent. She agreed.

It was nice to have the company when she moved in, I shared my “war stories” with her and she told me about the problems of being a single mom and her problems with her mom.

I thought I had found a kindred spirit when she had complained about her mom. Her mom is a very wealthy woman and would not take her own daughter and grandson in. The way she talked about her mom, I thought, sounded like a typical narcissistic mother.  So here I am, thinking I am rescuing another victim from narcissistic abuse.

In January, she got a job. She kept telling me that she would pay “next paycheck” and she kept coming up with a vast array of excuses as to why she could not come up with any money.

Eventually I found out that the reason that she fell on “hard times” was due to narcotics. My son had warned me, because he knew her reputation around town. Naturally, I thought,  because she was a mom, that it must only be something occasional. I can be so naive at times.

Eventually I caught on, I got to see it with my own eyes, she tried to say she “was drunk”.  But even I knew better. This happened in March and I just asked her and her son to leave. That was hard because I felt bad for the son. That was the main reason that I held out for so long. But I had to think of my son.

I cleaned up the horrible mess they left behind and out of the blue, I got a phone call from someone I knew who asked if I had a room to rent.

He said it was a man and asked if that was ok. I just said that I am ok with it as long as he could pay rent and that he not partake in any sort of substances. He told me that he was a dad with 2 sons that lived with their respective moms.  I was assured that he was a good man.

And he is.

Since he moved in, it has been great to have a strong male presence around my son. He works, has his own life, and he spends a lot of time with his own sons. But lucky for me and my son, he occasionally hangs out here and spends a little time with my son. That has been a Godsend for me. He is young enough to be cool for my son, yet old enough to know better.  His guidance is only occasional, but every so often I believe that whatever words he tries to convey, they are poignant enough to penetrate my son’s confused and stubborn head.

We even have had a few soulful discussions ourselves about doing the right thing. He struggles too, supporting his own sons. Because of that, it worked out well for me. He had to take a lower paying job and he chose to not go back to court and get the child support payments reduced. He was more concerned about his kids getting adequate care, so he opted to find a cheaper place (my place). As a mom, you got to love a guy like that!

I still tend to isolate myself so it is nice to have someone around occasionally to have these conversations with. Our schedules do not coincide, but we do talk once in a while and it is always great.

And he pays rent.

Of course my X has gone back to his sporadic payments for spousal support. But with the rent money and my part-time work, I have been able to maintain my lavish lifestyle of high-speed internet and a weekly tank of gas! I even splurged for Netflix!

It may not sound like much to most. But when you have gone without these little things for a year or two, then, you really appreciate them when you get them back!

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2 thoughts on “My Greatest Gift in 2014

  1. I loved your post. My heart aches for your situation with your son because it sounds so much like the one I have with my daughter.

    I also know what it feels like to have no internet access and be running on empty all the time (it sucks). Things have improved for me slightly too (but only slightly) and like you, I have had to take in a roommate, and so far she seems okay. Taking in a roomate is a huge risk because you don’t really know the person and they may not be on the level with you. The down-on-her-luck woman who refused to pay rent because of her drug problem sounds like she may have been the narcissist herself, and not her mother, who at first seemed to be one. I’m glad you have found a honest male roommate who is helping you and actually paying rent.

  2. Yes it is scary taking in a roommate. I still have my son home with me so I have to be extra careful. I feel that I really lucked out on that.

    Yes, I also feel that there are many similarities between your daughter and my son. So far my son is only using pot. But between that and his depression, there is little to no motivation.

    My son just witnessed the deterioration of one of his female friends that was a casual opiate derivative user morph into a full blown addict. She was a former water polo athlete beauty with eyelashes so thick they looked fake, she had a nice car and was a conscientious student in college with a 3.0 GPA. She came by about 2 weeks ago and she was homeless and using needles. She did not even look like the same person. I saw my son talking to her in front of our house, then he came in the house and locked all the doors. She was barely recognizable.

    I am speculating that was better than any lecture I could have given him on drug usage. It breaks my heart about the girl. I really liked her and I pray every day that she can get better. She has so much to offer.

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