About Me and My Former Narcissist

I filed for divorce in February 2012 after an almost 20 year difficult marriage. I am in year 2 of the divorce. Even though it was my husbands idea to end the marriage, he has chosen to drag this on. 

I don’t know where I am going with this blog. It is for my own self-examination about what happened to my last 20 years and I want to figure out what I want to do with the next 20 years.

I chose to diagnose my Someday To Be X as a Narcissist. No, I am not a psychiatrist or a psychologist. I have had some time now to reflect on my marriage and do some reading.  I think he fits the profile completely. Others may differ. But this is not about him. It is about me; how I got to this place in time and me figuring out where I am going.

15 thoughts on “About Me and My Former Narcissist

  1. Most Narcissists aren’t diagnosed…they refuse therapy because they feel there’s nothing wrong with them. Hence, they weave through society undetected, leaving a path of destruction in their wake.

    It’s hard to know where your future lies after you realize you’ve been swindled by a Narc. Your mind and your body are both damaged from the years of mental and emotional abuse. The first year should just be spent remembering who you were before you met, healing yourself inside and out, taking care of and pampering yourself, meditating, and possibly starting a new way of eating. I know it sounds strange…but, the years of emotional abuse have wreaked havoc on various systems. Certain things you eat can heal that and even help you overcome some of the depression and anxiety.

    • It is very possible that I was “swindled” by a narc. I am in year two of a hostile divorce. He still has not complied with the divorce discovery. I know he tells people that I am the one that is “dragging this divorce out”.

      We had started a business together 20 years ago. He had nothing, he told me that he gave everything to wife #2 after the divorce. At the time, I had money. I put the down payment on our first house. We struggled and went without for many years to get the business off the ground. It is now a successful business.

      For many years I made several attempts to pursue my own career path, but he would always convince me that he “needed” me in the business and that I was doing so much good for the business. Why would I go anywhere else? It would not be cost effective.

      When he moved out in March of 2011, he closed all of the business and personal accounts and reopened new ones in another bank.

      He left my son and me destitute. I am sure it was punishment when he realized that I got my own attorney and was not willing to just go the “our” Corporate attorney to “settle the divorce”.

      Life has been interesting since he left. He ignores the court ordered spousal support and he has yet to pay hardly any of the Child Support. He gets away with it. I struggle every month to survive. I was on county aid but that is a fiasco because I occasionally get spousal support so they cut me off and then I have to go through the rigorous process of reapplying.

      Work is sporadic, I have yet to find full time work. I was trained through WIA in a Welfare to Work program to work as a Graphic Artist. I take what I can get. It is hard to compete here in California. Unemployment is very high and I have no discernible work record for the last 20 years. And it is not like I can use him for a reference.

      I am trying to get a minimum wage job in retail for Christmas help and I am trying to work with them on my Security Clearance. I cannot pass it because of all the bad personal credit that has been happening since the divorce. I had a foreclosure (not in the house I am living in) and I was on county aid. Now most companies use a low budget criminal background check and any discrepancy in any county comes up as a blip. I have lots of blips: foreclosure, county aid, voluntary repossession of my car etc.

      I do not know how I make through every month but I do.

      As far as the pampering, well I do what I can. At least the dog is benefiting from this divorce, he gets lots of long walks.

      • It just burns me up that these people trample on everyone like they do, especially their spouse and children, and continue to “get away with it”.

        I’ve remarried, have been for a year, but my Ex is still trying to lay on the charm in full love-bomb mode. Doesn’t matter that I’ve asked him to stop. Of course, I’m not in any way flattered because I know it’s a control tactic. If I ever fell off my rocker and went back to him, he’d be the worst I’d ever seen.

        It’s odd how they convince us to make decisions that have such lasting effect. Anyhow, I know what you mean by “eeking” by every month. I somehow managed it, too. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you 🙂

    • I find this fascinating reading sugar. Most narcissists believe they are being bullied, harassed or whatever they would like to call it. They are the victims in their own eyes, and nobody could ever prove them wrong.

  2. I am trying to leave an emotional abuser, whom I have also decided is a narcissist. They make it more difficult than a “normal” person. I look forward to reading more from you.

    • I completely understand. I am not sure if you had a chance to read my other posts, but I never could run away from my Narcissist either. He ran away from me. I had outlived my usefulness and he found someone else.

      This was after a 20 year difficult marriage. Well the first few years were good to ok but after that it was a downward spiral into a lot of darkness.

      I think that blogging helps alot for me. It is very cathartic.

      It is a lot of work separating from this type of person, so stay strong and keep telling your story and reading others. There is a lot of support here for you.

      • I love your frankness and honesty, I too have been the victim of a narcissist. Not a partner, thank goodness, but a close friend. Well i thought she was, until one day something happened to upset her. She turned on me with such visciousness and venom, that in the end i really did think i had done whatever she said i had done. She had me as her victim. I am only now recovering from her attacks, as when she couldnt bring me down (her words) she attacked most of my other friends then, making me feel guilty again. I really did consider myself the bad person in this story. Until i seen the light. I realised that everything she was accusing me of doing, was actually what she was doing to me. She still tries even now to attack me, but i found silence the best weapon against her. Narcissists are Drama queens and need an audience. I too find comfort in blogging, as it helps me get this message out there to unsuspecting people. Make sure you know your friends, before you tell them anything which they could use against you, to discredit you.

  3. You’re an incredibly brave woman. I can imagine how difficult this must be for you. Remember you’re not alone–there’s plenty of us out there and here at WP who have been through hell with this type of an abuser. They strip away our identity and our sanity and leave us and our kids high and dry. It does get better. Don’t give up, just take one day at a time. One day you’ll be free.

    • Hey Lucky Otter, nice meeting you sugar. yes i found that now i am blogging, i am not alone. I was used and abused by a person on social networking sites and they made me feel like i was doing it to them. Now i hold my head high and i always know i did nothing to them. I am not a victim now, and i wont ever be again.

  4. Thank you so much for your comment. I have not been around for the last year and I just started to reread my blogs.

    Even though it has been a year, I am still not out of the woods yet. Not even close.

    It is so frustrating. It seems like I take 3 steps forward and I get thrown back 4 steps. Everything is still a struggle..

  5. I admire you enormously for coming on here and telling us all about what happened to you. DONT BE A VICTIM. TAKE CONTROL OF THE SITUATION. You did nothing wrong, just that a narcissist has the ability to turn things around and make you feel that you are in the wrong.

  6. Yes the Narcissists seem to have never ending energy. How my X was able to suck so much energy out of me is kind of scary. My way of taking control of the situation is to not engage him in any sort of conversation. On rare occasion we do have to speak (we are still going through the dreaded divorce and we have a son together). I always keep it to a minimum.

    I no longer expect empathy from him or anything from him. Thanks to reading up on Narcissism I know better now than to expect anything.

    If I ever want anything from him, luckily I still have an attorney who will fight for me in court.

    As far a coming here to tell my story. It is actually my therapy. I have gotten so much out of it myself. I seem to get so much relief writing my truths.

    Everybody here is lot of help too.

    So thank you so much for reading and commenting. I really appreciate it!

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